Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Delivered on a Segway!

Have you ever had a takeaway menu through your door that you just couldn't throw away? No. No one has. Until now. I love this menu. And here's why:

This is my favourite bit. I want to be in this grid. You want to be in this grid.

Could it be the best steak you ever tasted? It depends on whether you have ever spent more than £6.95 on a steak and chips dinner, I suppose - but I'd be happy to be proved wrong.

People say there are too many fried chicken outlets in metropolitan areas. Perhaps what this astonishing document shows us is that, really, there just aren't enough. Bravo.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Sound of 2012

On the first week of the year, the BBC website runs its BBC Sound of 2012 (for example) poll. With the greatest of respect - BURN IT DOWN. Here are the five acts that will redefine music this year - ending with the "Sound of 2012".

5. Crumbles & Corn

The breakout act of this year's Indietracks festival, Aberdeen's Crumbles & Corn proved capable of turning arch-spined, pot bellied scenesters into frenzied dance machines. Ignoring trad jangle, twee-folk and rote C86 shambling, the band combine a three-stringed nylon acoustic, atonal chanting and cardboard box drums to lethal effect. "We wanted someone to spill their fucking Tizer for once", says guitarist Ed Tomlinson. "I saw a kid pissing on his own cardigan" adds vocalist Fudge. Drummer Janyss Cotton (cousin of Fearne!) describes their upcoming album "Trench Warfare" as "glue-sniffing for people who don't like glue".

4. Markuss

As Chillwave fades into the distance, with acts like Ariel Pink and John Maus unable to crack the mainstream, a new nostalgic sound has emerged from the unlikely wellspring of Glossop in Derbyshire. Self-styled "morbid shut-in" Marcus Wentworth filters the knuckleheaded thrash of early-90s metal titans like Sepultura and Pantera through gooey synthesisers and "raps" over the top. "I'm just making the music I want to make", he declares on his debut single "Stop Getting Tattoos". A recently-inked contract with Universal suggests that others want him to make it too. His "Grandma Chic" album is due in February.

3. Lebanese Skin Party

"We're realer than anyone else. Realer than your worst nightmares. The last gang in town." Frontman Oliver Skin might just be right. The first band to be on the cover of the NME before writing their first song ("we just got the call and thought, yeah, having it"), LSP met at Bradford Grammar School and bonded over the Strokes' "First Impressions Of Earth". "It was so good, we vowed never to listen to another record, and we haven't. It was just too perfect. A band needs to bring rock n' roll back. I'm sick of all this dubstep bass shit. Where are the songs? We're about getting out of it, girls, having adventures, a good time." On the evidence of their "Second Impressions Of Earth EP" and an explosive support slot with Viva Brother, Lebanese Skin Party will be near the top of at least one year-end list come December.

2. Rotor Motor

No one created more buzz in the second half of last year than Rotor Motor did with his series of "BIGGA BETTA" 14" singles. Dubstep artists are second only to looters in their desire for anonymity, but Rotor goes a lot further than wearing a hoodie and a mask. He DJs live from a specially redesigned tank. Meticulous about presentation and determined never to break cover, Rotor Motor's appearance at Creamfields Buenos Aires descended into farce when bass vibrations from his vehicle caused an over-mined stretch of land to subside, with hundreds of MDMA-powered dancers experiencing an early comedown and, in 13 cases, premature death. A press release read simply "ITS (sic) ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC".

1. Albert III

"I'm all about pop. I'm all about fun. I'm all about love. Women, men, whatever! Come one, come all, I kiss you!" In a landscape dominated by slick talent-show and stage-school stars, Albert III's "I Kiss You" single is a hymn to acceptance. "I was bullied as a child, I didn't fit in. But they couldn't stop me dreaming. I want to be like Freddie Mercury, Liza Minelli and Margaret Thatcher all in one!" Just six months ago, Albert III was Steve Gosforth, working at a branch of Natwest in Surbiton. "Steve Gosforth is dead," he pronounces grandly, Meerschaum pipe in hand. One night I was walking home from work and a white light shone down on me, perhaps from a UFO or God himself. From that moment on, I was Albert III and I'll be Albert III until I die." Reportedly the subject of the biggest marketing spend "since Norwich Union turned into Aviva, darling", Albert III's "I, Albert III" LP should hit the charts like a bomb in late January.