Monday, October 08, 2007

Bounty from the cupboard depths

I dug out an old jeans jacket from the cupboard (for a fancy dress party) on Friday and in the pockets I found:

* 1 unopened pack of gum, expiry date 2004
* 1 unopened pack of "Listerine Breath Strips" which i can only imagine must have been free, expiry date 2004
* 87 pence, still legal tender

Now those breath strips were basically poison fresh from the packet so I don't intend investigating them further, but what of the unopened pack of Mr Wrigley's "Mountain Icy Wind" gum? What would happen if you chew a piece of gum that was officially dead in the water three years earlier? Will it crumble to dust in my mouth and choke me? Will it release toxins that render me a dessicated corpse in minutes? Is it full of 1000 tiny spiders?

It's up to you to decide: EAT or DON'T EAT! Following the result, there will be a special blog post with realtime chewing.

ABOVE: the kind of elaborate and exciting hallucinations I predict will result from this dangerous stunt.


Laura said...

I would go for eat.. you have only considered the worse that could happen.. the best that could happen is that it opens a portal to a by gone world where you can have all sorts of zany adventures or you could shrink or grow a la Alice in Wonderland.. we could call it John in gumland (or something more imaginative I'm sure)

John A said...

John In Hospital perhaps.

sarah j. said...

Just yesterday I ate some croutons that had expired last January. Afterwards, I was totally convinced that they mainly consisted of dry mold and dessicated maggots (with traces of maggot poo). I'm still waiting for the mushrooms to start sprouting out of my every orifice as 5,000 rehydrated maggots chew their way out of my belly.

So, yeah, John, go for it. Who knows what sucralose and rosin breaks down into after 3-4 years of idling in a jeans pocket. You will be the first to know!

Godspeed, sir.

Sarah said...

Chew but don't eat.

Personally, I love those breath strips. They don't seem to sell them here any more so mum sent me a whole lot from NZ! They actually do freshen your breath and they're really good when you've got a cold too!

Sparkles F said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sparkles F said...

I would never eat (or chew) anything that had been expired, especially for that long! Which means, of course, that I want you to chew that gum, John! Live on the edge for those of us too scared to do the same!
It will probably taste off and crumble to stringy bits in your mouth. It can't be any worse than chewing icebreakers gum for more than a half hour.

mordicai said...

Dangerous eating habits! ACTIVATE.

Jon said...

In this life, if an adventure offers itself that shows no immediate sign of your body being engulfed in flame, you must go for it; it is your duty as a man.

Jenny said...

I'm voting eat.

Stephen said...

Eat one of the strips AND a piece of gum at the same time for EXTREME MOUNTAIN FRESHNESS!!

Brendan said...

I have heard of folks who have chewed gum found in baseball card packs from the Olden Times™, when they still put chewing gum in baseball card packs. As I understand it, no ill effects were suffered, though I doubt if it was the most pleasant gum-chewing experience. These stories are all hearsay, however, so I vote for a peer review in the name of science.

Donna Marijne said...


(It's like primary school all over again.)

B. said...

I realize that this comment is several days overdue, so I will expect it to slip past.

If not, however: where did you find that print of the bunny and the gum, John A? Did you make it? I adore it, and wish to devise a method for hanging it upon my wall somehow. Help?!

John A said...


It's a poster you can buy for your home! here's the link:

I agree, it's extremely nice.