Monday, June 20, 2005

Back to basics

I think humanity could be helped (as a whole) by people ceasing to ask each other "are you all right" or "how are you doing" as a greeting. Nobody wants to know how another human being is doing if the answer consists of more than three words. So when asked those questions, make sure you answer it properly.

EXAMPLE
Q. All right, Dave?
A. Well, I'm not sure. I've got two or three pimples on my bottom and I'm worried it might affect my chances of becoming a thong model. Plus, you know, I've always worried that my arms are a bit long. For general use.

EXCEPTION
A good time to ask if someone is all right is if they have fallen into a ditch, or are crying. Or crying blood. Or crying blood in a ditch.

Here are some alternative greetings to help the human race live better:

"Good morning"
"Good afternoon"
"Good evening"

10 comments:

Josh said...

I have constipation. If people don't want to know that, then why do they ask?

People of the world, Mr Allison speaks for me.

Davecat said...

Would 'How's aboot ye?' be a good alternative? Especially if you're from Scotland and you tend to shout a lot?

Zonnestraaltje said...

I always thought, "Hey, you slob, you have a booger stuck to your cheek," was a good greeting. I'll have to ponder your ideas. Thanks!

Doctor Sinister said...

Alternately, cultivate a disregard for humanity.

Patches said...

"Good aftersleep sir."
"Merry mid-day!"
"Post darkn's hark!'

or my personal favorite,

"HOWDY PARDNER"

Marie said...

Exactly. Why do people ask how I am if they don't want to know that I'm presently on the very brink of insanity, desperately seeking a way out of this miserable existence? I don't know -- to me that's certainly more exciting than a halfhearted, "I'm great."

petrol said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
condensation said...

When I was a young girl, my boyfriend's father would greet me with "How are you?" and I would stammer and stare and hem and haw all the day. I am beginning to think he did it on purpose, the old man did.

condensation said...

When I was a young girl, my boyfriend's father would greet me with "How are you?" and I would stammer and stare and hem and haw all the day. I am beginning to think he did it on purpose, the old man did.

hal said...

agreed