Monday, March 03, 2008

Kinder Surprise Witch

Yesterday I bought a Kinder Surprise egg and from it came a witch on wheels with an articulated jaw that cackles as you push her along. I cannot imagine that a more fitting item could have sprung forth from such an egg and the five minutes I spent grappling with the plastic tub within just added to the pleasure of receiving the witch. Today for my postcard project (current total 55/400) I am going to draw ten witches.

On another matter altogether, I like to read Pitchfork every day because it's a very good place to find new music. But some of their reviews are an extraordinary exercise in saying absolutely nothing at all. Someone clearly typed about 400 words here but at the end I challenge anyone to be any the wiser as to what it is like.

My favourite phrases:
"dialed-up vocal presence"
"this practically demands a footnoted lyric sheet"
"you suspect he's play-acting as much as he is singing"
"...turns that churning spoken-word passage into the skeleton for a celebratory sliver of symphonic electro"


A score is given (8.4) but as anyone who ever bought a Deerhunter or Beach House record can attest, Pitchfork's scores are assigned using the same numerology pioneered by lovecalculator.com and may not be based on merit. On a good day I can read the synopses on the front page and guess the score to within .3 for each one.

Mind you, last week someone described my comics as creating a sense of aphasia, in that they recognised the words used but no longer understood what they meant. No one is innocent!

14 comments:

Corber said...

Would the witch-on-wheels be in any way related to Chorlton and the Wheelies? Or did that witch even have wheels?

K said...

The last Kinder Surprise egg I had contained a purple wolf in a tiny bone-shaped car. However do they think of these things?

As regards the postcards: I think this is a very good idea. I will pre-order a book. (I don't have any of the others, but only because I've only known about S-G-R for about a month. But I think it's wonderful.)

Joe said...

When I read the reviews on Pitchfork I get the feeling that the reviewers want me to know that they went to grad school, and the only way they know how to do that is by pissing me off.

John A said...

Corber: I think the witch was the only one who didn't have wheels. If you remember, she moved up and down the landscape kind of popping up and down through the living rock. What a show that was!

Incidentally that is how everyone in Chorlton gets around, based on my experience.

Stephen said...

I only read Terrorizer, Pitchfork makes me mad.

Bad Andy said...

My other half had her first ever Kinder Surprise last year. She had no idea there was white chocolate on the inside. She was equally confusulated by the yellow bit of plastic inside, until I showed her how to open it. Then she had no idea how to put it together.
She clearly had not seen this advert http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At0XpIs1fNk

lou said...

Arggghhh!! Mind bleach needed! Bad Andy is surely bad indeed and has traumatised me forever...

Toni Jover said...

Mr. Kinder's on drugs!

John A said...

I rather like the choca douby advert! I miss the days when advertisers could present something bizarre unironically. I propose one day a year when we shoot anyone who offers something with a "knowing wink".

I invite you to compare the two following spots for Sugar Puffs to demonstrate how, given 25 years, the original point can be so badly missed.

Seventies

Oughties

The second ad makes me want to go to Peckham and unleash some blat blat blat.

LaRissa said...

OMG! This is why i was born in michigan... god knew my mind could not handle such ads!

on a serious note, i really want one now... i love both chocolate and toys!

i wonder if they are in some insane fanboys basement somewhere?

Calla Greenwood said...

It's a shame that Kinder Eggs are contraband in the US. If only Americans could learn not to immediately swallow everything they are given. :(

...And your Pitchfork comments made my day. Their reviews are overwrought and masturbatory. And some of the people there are just not very nice people. Unfortunately they consistently present new music in a relatively simple format, soo...

pavel said...

Calla, you speak lies! LIES!

I grew up in Russia, and those Kinder-Eggs were precious bits of treasure from the distant and mysterious west. (Not too far west, but far enough to be awesome.) Chocolate candy? Amazingly tiny detailed toy? The joy of unpeeling crinkly foil?

Maybe that last one was just for kids with slight OCD, like me.

Anyway, Kinder Eggs remind me of everything awesome about childhood, and I buy one time to time at a local Russian/Euro Deli store. Every Russian store I've been to sells them, so you might want to give it a try.

Sadly, those toys are nowhere near as amusing as they were when I was a kid. Oh well, nostalgia (and chocolate) are still delicious.

Calla Greenwood said...

Pavel, Wikipedia tells me that I am in the right!

"They are sold all over the world excluding the United States, where the 1938 Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act prohibits embedding "non-nutritive items" in confections"

Though a quick google search tells me that stores do sell them despite their prohibited status. :O

LaRissa said...

yay! so i am from michigan in the "us of a" and i went on vacation in connecticut and what do i find???

my sister in law has a kinder egg!
i asked here where she got it and we stopped at a little polish deli and i bought 3!

heehee... i opened mine to find a tiny crustation on wheels!