Brooklyn

I am in a secret location in New York city which cannot be revealed at any cost. Already I have hatched some serious schemes and judged this great nation as only the Englishman can. The freedom eagle's belly is ripe for tickling, and I have a feather that is up to the task.

NME Chart Show

Having grown up with the ITV Chart Show as my only real source of pop videos (that being: one hour a week, slavishly watched no matter how bad it was the previous week), nothing puts me in a cosier frame of mind than a top ten of music videos. Fortune must favour the easily pleased, as every night I can watch the NME Chart Show (MTV 2, 7pm).

Since I haven't read the NME for several years, I am unschooled in what their tastemakers suggest viewers vote for on the MTV2 website. So the chart is generally a nice surprise when I catch it. Indie music invariably marches to one or two different drums at any time, with a few incongruities thrown in to confuse and bemuse (usually foreigners of import). It was like that in 1991, when every song on the indie chart was entitled the "Hypnoflowerlovewheel (Forever) EP", and today of course there is a general leaning toward young men with wiry arms in polo shirts playing their guitars quickly.

The music video is arguably a distraction from a song. In some cases, it improves your view of the music - I doubt anyone would have clasped their hands in rapt joy at the White Stripes' phoned-in "My Doorbell" if the video wasn't a charming period tour de force. On the other hand, the sight of Hard-Fi's eminently slappable singer renders me utterly furious.

What is on the chart this week? I know, i know!

10. Clor – 'Good Stuff'
I was washing up when this was on.

9. Hard-Fi – 'Living For The Weekend'
This is music aimed at the youth market, or as some people call it, "London". Male model fronts faceless shape-formers.

8. Mystery Jets – 'You Can't Fool Me Dennis'
This is brilliant! They are trying to pretend that the old chap in the video isn't in the band, but I saw them live, and he was.

7. The Subways – 'With You'
That chap from the Vines has asperger's syndrome and is too plum crazy to tour. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Subways. Awful.

6. Sigur Ros – 'Glosoli'
This looks like a ringer to me! I can't imagine that the kids are sitting at home, thinking, what I need to vote for is some Icelandic post rock sung in a made up language. These chaps are signed to Parlophone now, who anticipate big returns. Some say "cocaine" is a problem in the music industry!

5. We Are Scientists – 'The Great Escape'
Or rather "We Wish We Were The Killers". I wish the Killers weren't the Killers.

4. Franz Ferdinand – 'Do You Want To'
The best British indie single for years! I can't buy the album because there's no way it can touch this.

3. Editors – 'Bullets'
The best British indie single for years! I can't buy the album because there's no way it can touch this pt 2.

2. Bloc Party – 'Two More Years'
Someone, soon, has to come out and say it: the most boring, pedestrian band plying their trade at the top level today. No melodies, no excitement, flat singing. They look great though!

1. Arctic Monkeys – 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor'
WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS THING? Video recorded on an audio tape; four lost schoolboys, frightened for their lives. I can't tell whether this is genius on the level of Pavement's early singles or a guileless stumble into a state of musical grace. Something is happening here.

A sleever is a straight sided glass.

Quite often people write to me and say that if they meet me, they would like to buy me a drink. It's a really nice thing to say, a gesture of bonhomie in an old-fashioned way.

So why is it that I always want to write back, "please can I just have the money?" What a terrible person I am.

No, but seriously, think about it, that's a lot of money if you add it up, and I'm not going to get any work done later if I have a drink now. My body chemicals will be all out of kilter, I won't be able to concentrate and I'll want to have a nap. That means I won't be able to go to sleep at bedtime and I won't be able to concentrate properly until 5 o'clock the next day, by which point I'll be so frustrated that I won't want to do anything. Do you see the problem? Plus I'll feel sort of obligated to you for the drink.

How about, if you ever meet me, you buy me a postcard from your home town and a button badge you think I might like. That's not too extravagant. It expresses gratitude and pan-continental friendship, a coming together over a rectangle and a circle.

All right, wait, I might be talking myself out of some good times here. How about, if you're a pretty lady on the go*, you buy me the postcard, and the button badge, and a drink, and I'll buy you a drink and write you a poem about orange blossom near an ornamental pond. Here's how it would work:

"Hello John it is me, the cute little doctor lady from House, here are the button badge and postcard and etc".

"Well thank you and how very interesting"

"Is it time for the poem"

"Alas no because the postcard is of a unicorn frolicing with a furry dog woman in a thong and you have a skeleton hand"

"True love dies hard on jagged rocks, Johnny"

"Goodbye House doctor girl, this was a tender and terrifying moment".

* The offer is never from a "pretty lady on the go" but stick with me, I am hitting my stride here

Google Blog search is powered by aliens

While being self-employed is obviously a. a bed of roses and b. a bowl of cherries, in order to take a week off, you have to do all the work for that week in advance. Or rather, if you are obsessively contientious, you do it all in advance. For this reason, in anticipation of eight days spent mostly scratching my back-side in the land of the free, I am trying to get a lot done. I realised this afternoon that I hadn't spent any time with an actual human being since last Thursday evening (going to the shop doesn't count, going to the garage doesn't count, going to Allied Carpets doesn't count).

Assume the Edvard Munch "Scream" position, I think I might be going mad. Pretty soon, I'll be like Cartilage Head, dancing a Cab Calloway routine of silent despair.

The Ashes

I think I started watching cricket in 1992 or '93, pretty much the nadir of the modern era for England's team. In those days, all England players were called Graham. There was Graham Gooch, Graham Hick, dewy-eyed debutant Graham Thorpe, and of course larrikin paceman Graham Trombone*. Even though the standard of Grahams was desperately low, I found the soothing pace of the five-day game very pleasing to my brain. And when the team went overseas to the West Indies or South Africa, you could leave the radio on BBC Radio 4 longwave all night, and wake up from strange dreams to hear what awful deeds tall foreign men had wrought on "our boys". Invariably, someone would be blowing on a conch shell.

So to win the Ashes today was in one sense very exciting. I know people around the country have apparently suddenly discovered that cricket is okay, and that they can watch it and pretend to know what the rules are. I've been watching it for 13 years and I don't know where "silly mid-on" is. It doesn't matter. I don't know which side is "leg" and which one is "off". But I was always pleased that some people didn't get it. Everyone I knew who was worth a shake got it.

You don't need to be a sports bore to watch test cricket, because it all happens so slowly. You get to know the players, and like a soap opera, you get to like them. Shane Warne may be a tubby and boorish Aussie, but he's been coming into my home for more than a decade and he's never stunk the joint out. That's not the Warne way. Cricket is a reality show where you like all the contestants, and they don't outstay their welcome.

When I tired of football's nebbish prima donnas in the late 90s, cricket didn't pall, so while I was happy to win the Ashes, i was sad because it's the end of live cricket on free-to-air TV. Sky Sports' cricket coverage is woeful and I wouldn't pay for the channel just for that. So today marked the end of something I really enjoyed. I doubt I'm the only person who felt like this.

Like George Costanza, I believe in always going out on a high. But for me and the summer game, the high was never really the point.


* Not a real player

Johnsons Go!

Last night was the Mercury Music Prize, the prize for the most toe-tapping British album. Like all prizes it is kind of meaningless and it is often won by the wrong person. But this year I was gripped by a powerful feeling that it would be won by faux-Britons Antony & The Johnsons. I deduced this by dividing column inches by volume of critical slaver. This was a clear opportunity for me to place a bet.

A bet I then put off making, repeatedly, for weeks.

Fortunately yesterday afternoon I remembered, but then struggled with my drawing so much that I had to have a nap. When I woke up, I was full of artistic fire. So much fire that I forgot to go on the William Hill website and bet.

At about 11pm I discovered that I had every right to be smug, because old Antony and his Nina Simone-style warbling had won. But oh dear, I had done myself out of £150 (I intended to place a £30 stake, because I am a high roller). So, in essence, I worked so hard on comics that I did myself out of £150.

You ask: John, how can I make this right? How can we heal the hurt inside? The answer is, you don't have to, because my Mercury Prize favourite, the Go! Team, already made me feel that everything is right with the world. Here is the video for their single, I showed it to Jeff Rowland and he said it made him want to throw a rock at a dog. You decide.

"Bottlerocket" video.

It is a new golden age

With age comes wisdom, they say, and at 28 i am able to tell that we are in a new musical golden age. Good jams getting recognition. Back in 1994 I thought we would always have it so good: IT DID NOT LAST. I think this week might be the peak of this newfound golden era, my copy of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah has arrived in the post, the Arcade Fire have reached the dizzying height of #45 on the UK album chart, and the following picture of Goldfrapp was seen on the Internet:



That is what popular music that is in the charts should look like. Rome is about to fall, so enjoy it while it lasts.

The best news in ages

Yesterday (Saturday) I did not go to the cinema to see Primer because the train was cancelled, I burned myself quite badly on the steam iron, and I went on a night out wherein I took a taxi all the way to my destination, received a text message, then told the driver to turn the car around and take me home.

But today is Sunday and the news is good for the Inglese:

Channel 4 Buys The Daily Show

This means no more CNN Daily Show Global Edition oops we replaced it with Design 360 this week plus four commercial breaks in a half hour advertising "The Kuwait Fund" plus four news tickers and five competing channel ident stamps. A victory for common sense.

He knows woe

This was going to be a new tshirt but now I think it's a bit too weird. Or R Stevens said it was too weird. Do you think it's too weird?



Maybe it is too weird. I just thought it was fun. Here's another that I like but I don't know if anyone would actually buy:

My album cover

When I make my album, this is roughly what the cover will look like. Before you ask, yes I will have the bubble perm.



Tracklisting
1. Just Havin' Fun
2. The Wildest Time
3. Party! Party! Party!
4. Get On That Dancefloor
5. She's The Nicest Lady
6. Moving In The Night
7. Susan
8. Pains In My Heart
9. Dying Inside (Where Did She Go?)

(bonus track)
10. Enter Sandman (Metallica cover)

My internal artistic debate is now over, I have made decisions.

For God's sake burn it down

I am away for a week a month from now, so I'm going to run a step by step breakdown of how I make the comic rather than actual comics. Is that the sort of thing people might like? If it sounds boring or niche I'll do something else. I'll try to write some fun words to go with it, you know the kind of deal by now!

I realise that this might in some way destroy the mystique of computer-made Illustrator comics, but if I can get some kid to stop sniffing glue and make a comic about a wisecrackin' hog living in a wooded glade, we all win. Right? Right.

Experiments desk returns

I am still contemplating the artistic process but people have written some very kind and supportive things. I'll just do whatever I feel like and let my freak flag fly, things should be okay.

I redrew an old Bobbins strip from 2001 just for practice, I post it here purely for curiosity's sake.

Magic Christian Music

The best and worst idea I ever had during my seven years of comic making was switching from drawing with a pen to drawing with Illustrator. If I'd been drawing five comics a week by hand for the last four-and-a-half years, I'd be pretty good at drawing by now. I do get better at drawing even working in Illustrator, but not very fast.

It was a good idea because I was worn out on the old ways, stuck in a rut, and anything that makes you think in a different way is helpful. But now it's a bit boring, and vector art is so ubiquitous that it'll be passe in a year or two. A man of the future has to move on. Every couple of months now I suffer a powerful urge to permanently go back to the pen and ink, and here is the thought process that follows:

YES
1. Drawing is more fun than computerin'
2. Sitting in front of the computer is horrible
3. Faces, feet and hands so much easier to do well with the old pencil stick thing

NO
1. Colouring on the computer takes ages
2. I am no good at drawing backgrounds compared to, say, other top comic makers of the day
3. No access to the hilarious world of typography (when all else fails)
4. Worried about what the proles will think (leading to bankruptcy)
5. I am no good at all at drawing cars compared to, say, a 5 year old
6. Stage fright means things drawn on purpose only 50% as good as sketchbook jottings
7. I will mess up my book collections in a way that makes people feel weird

It's tricky, because I'm probably looking now at the same stagnation I was scared of in 2001 - in terms of what I'm doing, I've peaked. I may solve this problem by retiring from comics and becoming a shepherd, bookmaker or owl groom.

The weeping continues, then stops

It feels very decadent to bury a project like my pack of cards after working considerable Englishman-hours on it but I think it is kind of dead. Now I think about it, maybe it was a bit ambitious. Or expensive. Expensively ambitious, or ambitiously expensive.

What I have really been putting off is another Scareodeleria book. I'd meant to do four of those a year, and I've managed - oh! - one since January 2004. And four pages in the Skellington book. That's kind of embarrassing, but Scary Go Round is so much more involved artistically (and physically 50% bigger) now than it was in late 2003, so there isn't as much time for side-projects. It's almost impossible to write them, let alone sit down and churn out additional several pages a week.

Part of my brain thinks I should drop to 4 or even 3 comics a week so I can work on the Heavy Metal Hearts/Scareodeleria-style projects. Another part of my brain knows that people would be very unhappy and punch me (via emails). What is best? I do not know what is best.

Disaster

The cards are post-poned because I have to pay Les the builder to fix the kitchen floor. If I'd put away £10 every week for the five and a half years that I've been putting off having the floor levelled, I could have paid for it twice over. He's going to pour concrete into a hole, it is extremely exciting. Also there will be "screeds". There may be ghosts in the hole, I don't know.

The playing cards are a pricy business to make because I have to produce them in a large number (unlike the tea towels and other such gewgaws). The art is all done, I just have to steady the money ship.

I have been busy

Sorry for the lack of blog posts, but I've been working on the playing cards. Now I've made it to 47 (of 54), the psychological process of choosing really does reveal who I like drawing the least. Any fule can do an Amy or an Esther (I've done a few of both along the way), but nothing seems to be able to make my clawlike hands scrawl out a Bentley Quorn for posterity.

Here are a couple of previews (all final ratings for characters remain secret until you buy the set).

 

The other thing I realised along the way is that I don't remember some of the characters' names. Things are pretty tragic in my brain.

Everybody's favourite bagman

The best pop song you can't buy by a band who never made a record is "She's A Study" by TV Eyes. The video is here, what a shame these boys never managed to get it together for a full-length together. And for more videos of beautiful women cut together for maximum effect etc etc.

Scary Go Round playing cards are in progress. I'm working quite hard on the artwork, times 54, so it's going to be a while. Feel free to assist me with peppy feel-good messages. I could do one a day for 54 days, I suppose, but as it says on the right, I'm a man for the "big push".

I have wasted three and a half hours of my life

CAVEATS:
a. I have omitted all your favourites and only included my own
b. Gasps! as the Carpenters were pushed out of the number 100 spot at the last minute by the inclusion of The Bangles.
c. All order essentially arbitrary etc
d. Aforementioned rules broken where necessary

MY TOP 100 SINGLES

1 RACE FOR THE PRIZE - Flaming Lips
2 GRACE - Jeff Buckley
3 MONKEY GONE TO HEAVEN - The Pixies
4 ANGEL'S HEAP - Finn Brothers
5 STEREO - Pavement
6 TO HERE KNOWS WHEN - My Bloody Valentine
7 I FEEL FOR YOU - Chaka Khan
8 TURN! TURN! TURN! - The Byrds
9 GOD ONLY KNOWS - The Beach Boys
10 EBOW THE LETTER - R.E.M

11 YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE - New Radicals
12 OH LORI - Alessi Brothers
13 THIRTEEN - Big Star
14 FLAVOUR OF THE MONTH - The Posies
15 HERE'S WHERE THE STORY ENDS - The Sundays
16 CHANGES - Sugar
17 UP WITH PEOPLE - Lambchop
18 PEG - Steely Dan
19 CONFETTI - The Lemonheads
20 CLOSE TO ME - The Cure

21 ANIMAL - Def Leppard
22 NEVER SAID - Liz Phair
23 FANFARE - Eric Matthews
24 THAT'S THE WAY LOVE IS - Ten City
25 WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS - Pet Shop Boys
26 NOBODY'S TWISTING YOUR ARM - The Wedding Present
27 THIS IS WHAT SHE'S LIKE - Dexy's Midnight Runners
28 MARQUEE MOON - Television
29 OH PATTI (DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR LOVERBOY) - Scritti Politti
30 IN FRANCE THEY KISS ON MAIN STREET - Joni Mitchell

31 BLUE MONDAY - New Order
32 LITTLE RED CORVETTE - Prince
33 WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES - The Doobie Brothers
34 I WILL DARE - The Replacements
35 FEED THE TREE - Belly
36 THE CROWN - Gary Byrd
37 I SAW THE LIGHT - Todd Rundgren
38 TUMBLING DICE - Rolling Stones
39 MORE THAN THIS - Roxy Music
40 HIDEAWAY - The Olivia Tremor Control

41 BLUE - The Jayhawks
42 I KNOW YOU GOT SOUL - Eric B & Rakim
43 WICKED GAME - Chris Isaak
44 SHE'S SO YOUNG - The Pursuit of Happiness
45 CARNIVAL 2000 - Prefab Sprout
46 CYBELE'S REVERIE - Stereolab
47 WAIT - Robert Howard and Kym Mazelle
48 KEEP ON MOVIN' - Soul II Soul
49 SWEET CHILD O' MINE - Guns N' Roses
50 PSYCHO KILLER - Talking Heads

51 CANNONBALL - Breeders
52 YOUNG AMERICANS - David Bowie
53 THE BOY WITH THE THORN IN HIS SIDE - The Smiths
54 THE BEAT(EN) GENERATION - The The
55 WHERE IT'S AT - Beck
56 DON'T LET'S START - They Might Be Giants
57 EVERYTHING COUNTS - Depeche Mode
58 MUSIC SOUNDS BETTER - Stardust
59 LIPGLOSS - Pulp
60 HOT BURRITO #1 - Flying Burrito Brothers

61 LITTLE SISTER - Ry Cooder
62 HOLLAND, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel
63 ONCE AROUND THE BLOCK - Badly Drawn Boy
64 WALLS COME TUMBLING DOWN - Style Council
65 IT WAS A GOOD DAY - Ice Cube
66 I WANNA DESTROY YOU - The Soft Boys
67 THIS IS A CALL - Foo Fighters
68 CALIFORNIA LOVE - 2Pac feat Dr Dre + Roger Troutman
69 EVERYTHING FLOWS - Teenage Fanclub
70 MAP REF 41°N 93°W - Wire

71 I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN - Bobbie Gentry
72 TANGLED UP IN BLUE - Bob Dylan
73 THE WEIGHT - The Band
74 SUGARCUBE - Yo La Tengo
75 REGULATE - Warren G + Nate Dogg
76 UNCLE ALBERT/ADMIRAL HALSEY - Paul McCartney
77 HOMETOWN UNICORN - Super Furry Animals
78 STILL DRE - Dr Dre
79 TAKE A RUN AT THE SUN - Dinosaur Jr
80 YOU AND YOUR SISTER - This Mortal Coil

81 LORELEI - Cocteau Twins
82 NEVER TOO MUCH - Luther Vandross
83 I LOVE THE UNKNOWN - Clem Snide
84 WIRED FOR SOUND - Cliff Richard
85 SIX MONTHS IN A LEAKY BOAT - Split Enz
86 SON OF SAM - Elliott Smith
87 LEARNING TO FLY - Tom Petty
88 B.O.B - Outkast
89 MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN - Shania Twain
90 SUGAR KANE - Sonic Youth

91 TWIGGY TWIGGY/TWIGGY VS JAMES BOND - Pizzicato 5
92 IN BLOOM - Nirvana
93 WHAT TIME IS LOVE - KLF
94 GROOVEJET (IF THIS AIN'T LOVE) - Spiller feat Sophie Ellis-Bextor
95 WINTER - Tori Amos
96 IF SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WANTS - The Bangles
97 INTERGALACTIC - Beastie Boys
98 BATTLE OF WHO COULD CARE LESS- Ben Folds Five
99 BREAKOUT - Swing Out Sister
100 THE EAGLE AND ME - Van Dyke Parks

What have I done?

Vera Brosgol asked me what my top ten songs of all time are. Obviously to work this out, I had to do a list of 100. Now things are out of control.

I had to make up some rules:

1. Has to have been a single
2. One song per artist
3. Songs must have achieved a certain vintage (4.5 years, ie 1/6 of my life) to ensure lasting appeal

Thank god the iTunes music store has sound clips or this would take all day.

Recent questions I have asked myself/statements I have made:
"Which is the best Erasure single?"
"It really never got worse than the Wildhearts, did it?"
"Motownphilly back again, with a little bit of east coast swing"
"Gulf War means JESUS JONES"

A poem for wednesday

2003 and all that

Do you remember
Way back in ought-three
We were all a little younger

It was the year that
Everyone lost it
And pretended
That "In An Aeroplane
Over The Sea"
Was the greatest record
Ever released*

We got carried away with
our thoughts and our feelings
Decided the Wrens
Were better than the Beatles*

It was a time to be young,
To be sad
To read Pitchfork

What happened to those days?


FIN


* It was pretty good but we had gone crazy
* The Wrens are pretty good but they probably aren't as good as the Beatles