Sunday, February 20, 2011

I am an economist: THE EURO

What few of my readers know is that I am a skilled economist, and that my knowledge of the field is not restricted to hanging around the front door of the L.S.E giving winsome number-crunchers the glad-eye. I'm about to blow your mind by solving one of the major issues of the day.

THE EURO: IT'S ALL OVER

Economic brains such as myself know that it is all over bar the shouting for the Euro. European monetary union seemed great until crazy nations went buck wild, got drunk on debt, and blew up. Germany can't bail everyone out! If Spain "goes Ireland", no one will have any cash left. The global economy will collapse, government bonds will be used to line canary cages and you'll be buying chickens with your gold fillings.

I HAVE THE ANSWER

Several commentators have suggested a two-tiered Euro, one for all the economic basket cases, and another for the sensible countries. I say this is no good. You're storing up problems for the future.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO

At a predetermined time, all countries in the Eurozone will reintroduce their original national currencies. Issuing new tender will be impossible, so every citizen will have the responsibility of crossing out "Euro" on notes and coins and writing "francs" or "lira" (etc) on there. They will also append as many zeroes as their country's central bank deems necessary. For francs, one zero. For lira, ten or eleven. And here's the important bit: no one acknowledges that they were ever a member of the Euro, ever again.

GLOBAL CURRENCY MARKETS AREN'T GOING TO LIKE THIS

No, they're not. But what can they do about it? This process works on a simple principle. Imagine European monetary union as a big office Christmas party. Everyone gets drunk. People misbehave. Someone screams at someone else during a blackout. Someone is sick on someone. Two people have "extra-marital sexual intercourse". Someone calls the boss "a knob" to his face. But the next day, you've all got to get along again. So nothing is ever said about the matter. And the hurt, like the hangover, fades.

THIS IS DANGEROUS THINKING

Rubbish. Come up with one example of when 326 million people simultaneously flat-out denying that they were ever members of a single currency has failed. You can't. And that's the point.

THANKS, JOHN

You're welcome.

3 comments:

Laura said...

You're on to a good thing here. Nobel Prize coming your way me thinks!

Mr Cushtie said...

I salute your obvious genius.

However, to continue your office party metaphor, what about the photocopier that gets bust when Big Tracey from Accounts sits on the glass in order to make a "special document"?

Wendy said...

I go away for five days and you have sorted out the whole of 'money'. I am going to repack my suitcase and go away again rightverynow - and when I come back I would like you to have done the same for 'love', 'work', 'war (which is well bad)' and 'the babies'.

"DUDE, YOU OWE IT TO US" - The World.