Thursday, May 04, 2006

These are my confessions

My new fridge has arrived! I had to take the doors off the cupboard it lives in to accomodate this glossy white beast. So silent, so cold in its cupboard, an exciting monolith.

Unfortunately the men from Comet wouldn't take my old fridge on the same day because I hadn't defrosted it, so I had to put it in the back yard so it could spend the necessary 3 days leaking its icy cargo onto the back yard. But it was fortunate that they didn't take it, as I was informed that I couldn't turn the new one on for 12 hours! I put all my refridgerated items in the icy section, knowing they would be safe in my back yard. What a treat it was to go outside every time I wanted some ketchup or an egg. Splendid!

The following morning I awoke, excited about turning my new fridge on. I ran out into the back yard, avoiding a 7am snail, to retrieve my egg and ketchup. And what a vista! It was warm and sunny, the first warm morning of a burgeoning summer.

On the way back in, I accidentally trod on the snail.

Dear reader, I had to go back to bed for an hour, so bereft was I that even before I had thought my first thought of the day, I had taken the life of a small creature. What was worse, I actually trod on its remains again later. Messrs Insult and Injury had been invited to the party.

So what have we learned? Firstly, if you turn on your new fridge/freezer straight away, it will blow up. This may prove useful knowledge if you are ever held hostage in a white goods warehouse. Secondly, despite its mighty shell, a snail is no match for a foam flip-flop. And thirdly, nothing makes you feel more like poor white trash than a rusting, decades old refridgerator mouldering in your yard.

ADDENDUM: I have not tried other, more dangerous white trash techniques, like "rusting half car up on bricks" or "eighteen babies by eighteen daddies".

ADDENDUM 2: Does anyone want to buy two cupboard doors? White, old, faintly discoloured, heavy. Would suit someone easily pleased.

6 comments:

DeJinn said...

If it's of any consolation I laid Volume 2 of a mighty cookbook on top of a black scorpion last night.

Some might say it was premeditated murder as opposed to the alleged snailslaughter you committed but it is all a matter of context I suppose.

Besides you can't prove anything! See you in purgatory.

bad movie night said...

one would have thought that the snail's shell would be made of sterner stuff...
this reminds me of the story arc where shelley dreamt she was a mobster after trodding on a slug. "daddy's... never coming home!"
you should do arts on the cubboard doors, then sell them! i am a marketing genius!

fontgoddess said...

Suddenly I remember that my parents have not only a rusting refrigerator in their yard, but also a chest freezer . . .

Good thing it's a big yard.

White trash of the world unite!

Jenna said...

At one time we had a total of three (three!) rusted cars in our yard. Now we're down to one, and its sitting out on the road with a for sale sign on it in hopes that someone else will put it in their yard to rot.

Jared said...

You can turn a refrigerator on immediately ONLY if it has been upright the entire time. Tilting it to the side makes the coolants go all muckity-muck, and would lead to said explosion. Nothing says "good morning" like an eggy-baco-splosion in the kitchen.

Slimey said...

I once had a fridge AND a microwave sitting in my backyard. My backyard at the time was a square of concrete with a hills hoist imbedded in the centre. Tre classy.